Parents' Trip to the USA - Anxiety, Contradictions, and Gains
This content was automatically generated by gpt-4-turbo-preview (No human review). The original post is in Chinese.
The series of blog posts about my parents’ trip to the United States has not been updated for two weeks. I’ve been dragging my feet on writing the final piece. I’m not sure why, perhaps because there have always been other things in life lately that have been bothering me, occupying my time and energy. For example, commuting to San Diego every week, changes in work projects, and the annual tax filing. These things are very consuming internally, leaving me wanting to do something simple, easy, and not brain-draining during my free time, leaving no energy to sit down and calmly, focusedly ponder and write. Today, I finally convinced myself to continue and finish the last blog post, as it’s been 2 months since my parents and brother left the United States. It’s time to say goodbye to this experience and focus on other things (such as the result of my third H1B lottery draw next week). I’ve written 5 blog posts about my parents and brother’s trip to the United States, mainly practical information on how to prepare and arrange their itinerary. This blog post will mainly cover the content not covered before, that is, the emotional impact of my parents’ trip to the United States on me and my family, how my parents viewed this trip, the challenges and contradictions we encountered in the process of getting along, and so on. I think this part is very important. If I do not write it today, I believe I will never write this blog post.
- Parents’ Trip to the USA: Home Activity Recommendations
- Parents’ Trip to the USA: Sightseeing and Activities
- Parents’ Trip to the USA: US Visa Application
- Parents’ Trip to the USA: Accommodation Issues
- Parents’ Trip to the USA: Insurance, Flight Tickets, and Entry
Anxiety Before the Trip
Inviting my parents and brother to visit the US was mainly my idea. Why invite the family to the US? Because I came to the US for a PhD program, but the student visa only had a 1-year validity period, and I did not want to risk returning home to apply for a visa (fearing being stuck in China for several months unable to return), so I made preparations to stay in the US for 5 years without returning home. From the start, we all accepted the setting that I couldn’t return home, but my parents could come to the US to see me. This trip has been planned since the beginning of 2020, but was delayed by the pandemic for 3 and a half years. By September 2023, I had been away from home for a full 4 years (and had not seen my parents for more than 4 years). A lot has changed over the past 4 years. When I left my hometown in 2019, I was a recent undergraduate. By the end of 2023, I had graduated with a master’s, even started my second job, moved 5 times in the US, had my own car, kept a cat, and was living an adult life.
I was very anxious before my parents came to the US, after all, it had been 4 and a half years since we last met. When I left home last time, my brother was just over 2 years old, and now he’s already in senior kindergarten. Over these 4 years, we have been video calling about once a week, getting accustomed to this mode of interaction, accustomed to traveling during holidays since I have no family in the US and cannot return home.
Another reason for my anxiety is that my relationship with my parents has always been tense. I have many contradictions and shadows from my original family, even the birth of my brother was strongly opposed by me. So, my feelings toward my parents and brother have always been conflicting. My relationship with my dad was even more strained, conflicts with my dad during my childhood/adolescence are a major reason for my sleep disorders as an adult, and my original family is often mentioned in my psychological counseling. I told my therapist that my sources of stress can often be categorized as: issues with staying in the US, academic/work pressure, and the impact of my original family, which I call the three huge mountains pressing down on me.
In high school, my biggest wish was to leave home, the farther the better, to become financially independent as soon as possible, to break free from dependence on my parents, and to take control of my own life completely. When I came home during college holidays, I was often unhappy because I wasn’t used to life at home, feeling this place wasn’t my home, and new conflicts with my parents would arise. So I also tried to minimize my time at home during college. After going abroad, my relationship with my parents eased a lot, mainly because distance makes the heart grow fonder. Being so far apart, along with the time difference, our lives are far apart. Our weekly video chats are also quite superficial, mostly about the weather and food, without any deep discussions because we really don’t have much in depth to talk about.
Before my parents’ arrival, I made a lot of preparations because I was so anxious. I saw this trip as very important because inviting my parents and brother to the US was the first time I took the initiative to arrange everything for my family’s food, clothing, housing, and travel, to showcase and experience our life in the US. But I was also scared it would be messed up, not knowing what it would actually be like when they arrived, afraid we would argue, afraid those previous shadows and conflicts would reoccur. When I talked about my parents to my friends, I said we were living in two different worlds, the education we received, the people we contacted, and the society we lived in were completely different, having completely different concepts and lifestyles, so we had very little in common. I once told a therapist that kayaking and interacting with kayaking friends always makes me feel positive, warm, and energized; but after the weekly video call with my family, I often feel negative, pulling me out of my own life in the US to see the trivial matters and helplessness in my family’s life, draining me of energy.
This should explain why I was so anxious about my parents and brother’s trip to the US. Although they were only here for 36 days, I spent the month before they arrived in anxiety, doing all sorts of preparations, considering everything for them.
Conflicts During the Trip
A major conflict during the trip was regarding my dad’s smoking. My dad has been smoking for over 30 years, and I was forced to inhale secondhand smoke for 18 years. My dad, like most other adult males in our family, would smoke indoors and wouldn’t avoid children. Before he came to the US, I told him that he couldn’t smoke because our apartment community didn’t allow smoking, and neither did the houses we rented outside. He agreed, saying he would quit smoking, and even told other family members that he would quit smoking when he went to the US. But he didn’t reduce his smoking before coming to the US nor showed any action.
After coming to the US, on the second day when I took my parents to the grocery store, my dad bought a pack of cigarettes and started smoking outside. After a few times, when I smelled smoke in the apartment, I asked him to stay outside for 10 minutes before coming back in, and I confiscated his cigarettes. We searched online and found out that not only was smoking prohibited in student apartments and on campus, but the entire city of Irvine also didn’t allow smoking (only in cars, homes, or other designated smoking areas).
Thus, we started the road trip. On the first night of the road trip, my dad secretly bought cigarettes at a gas station and smoked an entire one in the restroom. When he came back to the car, he was full of smoke. I asked him to get out of the car for 30 minutes until the smoke odor dissipated before getting back into the car. So, we waited for 30 minutes at a strange gas station at night, all because my dad wanted to smoke. My dad’s withdrawal symptoms were severe, making him gloomy and complaining, blaming us for not letting him smoke, saying hurtful things. He complained that other people’s trips to the US were enjoyable, but his was suffering and torment. He even complained about the meals during the trip, saying we didn’t let him eat dinner (we ate McDonald’s on the first night), and he was dissatisfied with the meals during the trip. The first day of the road trip was Christmas Eve, and the next day was Christmas. We traveled to Joshua Tree National Park and the Grand Canyon. During such holiday periods, many stores and restaurants are closed, and most of the road trip was in remote areas, not near cities, making it difficult to find specific items (like rice wine or white wine).
I was busy preparing various things before the road trip, but I indeed hadn’t considered preparing alcohol for my dad (simply didn’t think of it), and later I found out that it’s illegal to carry opened bottles of alcohol in the car, so it’s normal not to bring alcohol on a road trip. Anyway, my dad was very upset about not having cigarettes or alcohol on the trip, complaining to us and my mom, making everyone unhappy, and wanting to end the trip and go home. Regarding the smoking issue, we had some discussions. My dad’s view was that if he could quit smoking naturally, he would be willing, but he thought quitting was hard. He knew many people who failed to quit smoking and felt it was unnecessary to suffer for quitting smoking in the US because he would definitely smoke upon returning to China. I understood that he never really intended to quit smoking; he had no determination and didn’t understand there would be withdrawal symptoms or know how to quit smoking scientifically (naturally, I wouldn’t have researched this in advance because I didn’t have the time and energy to worry about this beforehand). We bought him nicotine gum as a smoking cessation aid during the trip, but after trying it once, he never took it again. On the second night of the trip, my dad randomly bought a bottle of alcoholic beverage (he has diabetes and should avoid wines) from a gas station. On the third day, unable to bear his complaints, I returned the cigarettes to him, agreeing that he could only smoke outside and had to wait 30 minutes before entering indoor spaces.
We considered teaching my dad the US traffic rules and getting to know the road signs. If he could safely drive nearby, we thought about giving him our car keys after the holiday ends so he could take my mom and brother out, preventing boredom. But because he couldn’t quit smoking and always smelled of smoke, we abandoned the idea. I really didn’t want my car to smell like smoke, so we didn’t give him our car keys.
The Decision to Return Home Early
After the trip ended and my parents and brother moved to the Airbnb, my dad continued to smoke daily. We gave him a bicycle, and he could bike 30 minutes to the grocery store to buy groceries and cigarettes, so he had freedom with cigarettes and alcohol. The day after moving into the Airbnb, which was the second day we returned to work, when we went to my parents’ place for dinner, I smelled smoke in the house and detected it in various spots. During dinner, I asked my dad if he had smoked that day and learned that he smoked a lot and did so in the Airbnb’s backyard without closing the balcony door, probably quickly returning inside after smoking. I was disappointed because we spent a lot of effort and money finding and renting this Airbnb and had agreed not to smoke inside and to stay outside for 30 minutes after smoking before coming in, but he broke the agreement. My dad said he could do this in the short term but argued that staying in the US for another two months was impossible for him. He then complained about being bored in the US, stating he could go fishing, dig bamboo shoots, or play piano back home, doing various things, but here he could only stay at home, leading him to smoke more. He discussed with my mom how they would spend the next two months in the US. Also, he found smoking inconvenient in the US and preferred to return home sooner.
Hearing this hurt me because it was only the second day we returned to work, and cuihao and I had just taken a breath of relief after they moved to the Airbnb, just starting to feel life was improving. I didn’t expect they would feel bored so quickly and perceive their time as tedious. At that point, it was January 4th, 41 days from their original departure date of February 15th, not even two months, but everyone felt it was a long time.
Due to my dad bringing up his desire to return home early because of the smoking issue, leading to complaints about a boring life in the US, we started to consider this. There were several benefits to returning home early. First, for us, the time cost of accompanying my parents and brother was high; aside from maintaining work, all our free time was invested here, and it was tiring. Second, for my parents, staying in the US for over a month was already enough to experience our life here and spend enough time with us. While we were working, they indeed felt quite bored. Third, regarding expenses, renting an Airbnb for a month cost $4500. The only downside to returning home early was not being able to celebrate the New Year together. Considering these points, we unanimously decided to change the flight date to the end of January, suddenly reducing their remaining time in the US from 41 days to 21 days, halving it.
Therefore, my original plan to experience many activities with my parents suddenly became time-constrained, leaving weekends fully booked and some plans unavoidably dropped (like camping or watching the Milky Way). In short, our time together was abruptly shortened, making everyone start counting down the days, suddenly feeling the days were numbered, beginning to cherish every day spent together. My parents no longer worried about how to spend their long, boring days in the US.
In fact, in the previous two blog posts, we mentioned that we arranged many activities for my parents, making great efforts to prevent them from feeling bored. Sadly, due to them not having a social life here, not speaking much English, and not having a car, their activities greatly depended on us, so feeling bored was inevitable. But I still feel their ability to find things to do was lower than I expected, maybe lacking motivation. When my dad was bored at home, he would play Dou Di Zhu on his phone, and my brother would also play with his phone.
A lesson for future, if arranging for my parents to visit the US again, never plan a trip longer than 1 month. I think 2-3 weeks might be more suitable. Two weeks’ time, if we’re not working, is actually enough to do many things together.
Trip Expense Summary
This is the summary of expenses during my parents and brother’s 36-day visit to the US, not including the cost of groceries, dining out, parking, and fuel. It shows that the biggest expense was the round-trip flight tickets, costing nearly $5000, followed by accommodation costs. Entertainment includes all expenses for the Christmas and New Year road trip (fuel, dining, accommodation totaling $800 for 5 days and 4 nights, very thrifty) and entrance fees for attractions. Gifts were purchased before returning home for relatives and friends back in China (mainly health supplements, calcium tablets, and vitamin gummies from Costco). Communication is the mobile operator costs during their stay in the US.
Cooking and Lifestyle
Previous blog posts have already mentioned the daily arrangements during my parents’ visit to the US. Initially, it was the Christmas and New Year holidays, spending all our time with my parents, starting with playing nearby in Irvine, followed by the 5-day and 4-night road trip, then visiting San Diego, Los Angeles, and around Irvine during the weekends. From Monday to Friday, we worked from home during the day and went to my parents’ place for dinner, playing games together afterwards, then returning to our home to sleep. After starting our jobs, not both cuihao and I went to accompany my parents during the weekends; half of the time only I went because cuihao also wanted some time to do research, after all, they are my parents. At this point, we truly appreciated the convenience of renting a place close to my parents, because often we had to commute between our and their place twice a day, which was acceptable with a 10-minute one-way trip.
Speaking of different lifestyles with my parents, the most obvious reflection during this trip was cooking. My parents highly valued home-cooked meals, insisting on having vegetables, meat, and soup with every meal, preferring my dad to take a nap after lunch. Therefore, it was often difficult to arrange a full day of activities. Their favorite schedule was leaving home around 9 am, playing in a nearby park or by the sea for about 2 hours, returning home by 11 am, giving enough time to cook lunch. They had lunch at 12 pm, then my dad would nap, and my mom would clean up, also resting if there was time. Around 2-3 pm everyone would go out again, maybe hike a nearby mountain for 2 hours, returning home around 5 pm, then spending an hour cooking dinner before eating together. Going to the supermarket to buy groceries was seemingly the whole family’s favorite activity. They spent a lot of time shopping, cooking, and cleaning.
Therefore, my dad was particularly unaccustomed to improvised meals during the road trip. Although we brought instant rice, a cooler, and a camping stove, cooking edamame, stir-fried celery with shrimp, and onions with eggs on the trip, already accommodating to match home cuisine, they were still not used to it. I was quite surprised by this because my dad grew up in a very poor family. His parents were farmers and very poor, unable to afford meat or enough food. So I originally thought my dad could endure hardship, but it turns out he was the one who complained the most among us.
During a few weekends, we took them to San Diego or Los Angeles, as the drive took over an hour one-way, usually making it an all-day trip (leaving in the morning and returning at night). My parents often urged us to return home early to cook dinner, not adapting to eating out (especially averse to foreign foods, like raw vegetables or Mexican wraps). Their stamina wasn’t great either; playing outside for a day, since it’s a rare opportunity, I wanted to show them more places, hence the packed schedule, but my dad would often feel enough after visiting two places, saying he couldn’t walk anymore/didn’t want to walk, wanting to return home early, which surprised me (as my parents aren’t that old, one in their 50s, another in their 54s). Lastly, my parents and brother have quite short attention spans, easily getting bored, such as when we took them to the USS Midway Museum
