Parents' Trip to the U.S. - Anxiety, Conflicts, and Gains

Contents

1. 1. Anxiety Before the Trip
2. 2. The Contradiction of Traveling
3. 3. Decision to Return Home Early
4. 4. Cooking and Lifestyle
5. 5. Travel Highlights
6. 6. Parents’ Views on This Trip
7. 7. Changes After Traveling

This content was automatically generated by gpt-4o-mini (No human review). The original post is in Chinese.

The series of blog posts about my parents’ trip to the U.S. has been on hold for two weeks, and I’ve been dragging my feet on writing the final piece. I don’t know why, but it seems like there have been other things in my life lately that have been bothering me, taking up my time and energy. For example, commuting to San Diego every week, changes in work projects, and the annual tax filing. These matters have been quite draining, leaving me wanting to do simple, easy tasks that don’t require much brainpower during my free time. I haven’t had the energy to sit down calmly and focus on thinking and writing. Today, I finally managed to convince myself to continue writing the last blog post. It has been two months since my parents and brother left the U.S., and it’s time to say goodbye to this experience and focus on other things (like the results of my H1B lottery coming up next week).

I have previously written five blog posts about my parents and brother’s trip to the U.S., mostly filled with practical information on how to prepare and arrange their itinerary. This blog post will mainly discuss the emotional aspects that I haven’t covered before, such as the impact of my parents’ trip on me and my family, how my parents viewed this journey, the challenges and conflicts we encountered during our time together, and so on. I believe this part is very important, and if I don’t write it today, I feel like I will never write this blog post.

• Parents’ Trip to the U.S.: Recommended Home Activities
• Parents’ Trip to the U.S.: Attractions and Activities
• Parents’ Trip to the U.S.: U.S. Visa Application
• Parents’ Trip to the U.S.: Accommodation Issues
• Parents’ Trip to the U.S.: Insurance, Flights, and Entry

Anxiety Before the Trip

Inviting my parents and younger brother to the United States for a visit was mainly my idea. Why invite my family to the U.S.? Because I came to the U.S. to pursue a PhD program, but my student visa is only valid for one year, and I didn’t want to risk going back home to renew it (fearing I might get stuck there for months). So, I prepared myself from the beginning to stay in the U.S. for five years without returning home. I had already decided that I couldn’t go back, but my parents could come to the U.S. to see me, and everyone accepted this arrangement. This trip was planned from early 2020, but due to the pandemic, it was delayed for three and a half years. By September 2023, I had been away from home for a full four years (I hadn’t seen my parents for over four years). A lot has changed in the past four years. When I left my hometown in 2019, I was just a freshly graduated undergraduate. By the end of 2023, I had completed my master’s degree, even started a second job, and moved five times in the U.S., owned a car, adopted a cat, and was living an adult life.

I was very anxious before my parents came to the U.S., after all, it had been four and a half years since we last met. The last time I left home, my brother was just over two years old, and now he is in kindergarten. For over four years, we have been keeping in touch through video calls, about once a week, and we have adapted to this mode of interaction, getting used to traveling during holidays since there are no family members in the U.S. and I can’t go back home.

Another reason for my anxiety is that my relationship with my parents has always been tense. I have many conflicts and shadows from my family of origin, and I even strongly opposed my brother’s birth. So, my feelings towards my parents and brother have always been contradictory. My relationship with my dad has been particularly strained; the conflicts during my childhood and adolescence with him are a major reason for my sleep disorders as an adult. The family of origin is a topic I often discuss in therapy. I told my therapist that my sources of stress can often be categorized into the following three mountains pressing down on me: identity issues related to staying in the U.S., academic/work pressure, and the influence of my family of origin.

In high school, my biggest wish was to leave home, as far away as possible, to become financially independent quickly, and to break free from my dependence on my parents, fully taking control of my life. During college, I often felt unhappy returning home during winter and summer breaks because I was not used to the family life there; it felt like it wasn’t my home, and I would often have new conflicts with my parents. So, I tried to go home as little as possible during college, spending less time there. After going abroad, my relationship with my parents improved a lot, mainly because distance creates beauty. Being so far apart, with time zone differences, our lives were too distant from each other. Weekly video chats were quite superficial; we mainly talked about the weather and food, without any deep discussions, as we really had nothing substantial to talk about.

Before my parents’ trip, I did a lot of preparation because I was extremely anxious. I viewed this trip as very important because inviting my parents and brother to the U.S. was my first time taking the lead in hosting them, arranging everything for their food, accommodation, and travel, showing them and letting them experience our life in the U.S. But I was also very afraid of messing it up and didn’t know what it would actually be like when they arrived. I feared we might argue and that the shadows and conflicts from the past would resurface. I previously told my friends about my parents, saying that we live in completely different worlds, with different education, social circles, and lifestyles, leading to very few common topics. I mentioned to my therapist that kayaking and spending time with my kayaking friends always made me feel positive, warm, and energized; however, after weekly video calls with my family, I often felt very negative, as it pulled me out of my life in the U.S. and made me see the trivialities and frustrations of my family’s life, draining my energy.

The above should explain why I felt so anxious about my parents and brother coming to the U.S. for a visit. Although they only stayed for 36 days, I spent the month leading up to their arrival in a state of anxiety, doing everything I could to prepare and consider their needs.

The Contradiction of Traveling

One major contradiction during our travels is about my dad smoking. My dad has been smoking for over 30 years, and I was forced to inhale secondhand smoke for 18 years. My dad and most of the other men in the family smoke indoors and do not avoid smoking around children. Before my dad came to the U.S., I told him that he couldn’t smoke after arriving because our apartment doesn’t allow smoking, and the rental house outside also prohibits it. He agreed, saying he would quit smoking, and even told the rest of the family that he would quit when he came to America. However, he didn’t reduce his smoking at all before coming to the U.S. and took no action.

After arriving in the U.S., the next day I took my parents to a supermarket, and my dad went off to buy a pack of cigarettes and started smoking outside. After a few puffs, when he came back to the apartment and I smelled the smoke, I told him to go outside for 10 minutes before returning, and I confiscated his cigarettes. We searched online and found out that not only student apartments prohibit smoking, but smoking is also banned on campus, and the entire city of Irvine does not allow smoking (you can only smoke in your car, at home, or in other designated smoking areas).

Thus began our road trip. On the first night of the road trip, my dad secretly bought cigarettes at a gas station and hid in the bathroom to smoke an entire cigarette. When he returned to the car, he reeked of smoke. I made him get out of the car for 30 minutes to let the smoke smell dissipate before coming back in. So, that night of the road trip, at a strange gas station, everyone awkwardly waited for 30 minutes just because my dad smoked. My dad had severe withdrawal symptoms, was gloomy, and complained a lot, saying we wouldn’t let him smoke, and he said many hurtful things. He said that other people enjoy traveling to America, while he felt tortured and suffering, and even claimed we didn’t let him have dinner (we had McDonald’s on the first night), expressing dissatisfaction with the food during the trip. The first day of our road trip was Christmas Eve, and the next day was Christmas. We were traveling to Joshua Tree National Park and the Grand Canyon, and during these holiday periods, many supermarkets and restaurants were closed. Moreover, most of the road trip took place in remote areas, not near cities, making it even harder to find specific items (like rice wine or white liquor).

I had been busy preparing for the road trip, but I didn’t consider bringing alcohol for my dad (it simply didn’t cross my mind). Later, I also learned that having opened bottles of alcohol in the car is actually illegal, so normally, alcohol shouldn’t be brought on a road trip. In short, my dad was very unhappy about not having cigarettes or alcohol on the road, complaining to us and to my mom, making everyone unhappy and wishing we could end the trip and go home soon. We had some discussions about smoking, and my dad’s viewpoint was that if he could quit smoking naturally, he would be willing to, but he believed quitting was very difficult. He knew many people who failed to quit and felt that suffering to quit smoking in America was unnecessary since he would definitely smoke again when he returned to his home country. I realized that he actually had no intention of quitting; he lacked determination and didn’t understand that quitting smoking would have withdrawal symptoms or how to quit scientifically (I naturally wouldn’t have researched this in advance; I didn’t have the time or energy to worry about it beforehand). During the trip, we bought him nicotine replacement gum, which he tried once and then never touched again. On the second night of the trip, my dad casually bought a bottle of some alcoholic beverage (he has diabetes and should avoid drinks like wine) from a gas station. On the third day, unable to tolerate his complaints any longer, I returned his cigarettes to him, agreeing that he could only smoke outdoors and had to wait 30 minutes after smoking before coming indoors.

I had considered teaching my dad about American traffic rules and road signs, thinking that if he could drive safely nearby, after the holiday, I could consider giving him the car keys so he could take my mom and younger brother out for fun, preventing boredom. However, because he couldn’t quit smoking and always smelled of smoke, we abandoned that idea. I really didn’t want my car to smell like smoke, so we didn’t give him our car keys.

Decision to Return Home Early

After the trip ended and my parents and younger brother moved to the Airbnb, my dad continued to smoke every day. We gave him a bicycle so he could ride for 30 minutes to the supermarket to buy groceries, cigarettes, and alcohol, giving him more freedom with his smoking and drinking. The day after they moved to the Airbnb, which was also the second night after we returned to work, we went to my parents’ house for dinner. As soon as I walked in, I smelled smoke, and I could smell it in several places. During dinner, I asked my dad if he had smoked today, and I learned that he had smoked a lot, even in the backyard of the Airbnb, with the balcony door left open. He probably went back inside shortly after finishing his cigarette. I was very disappointed because we had put a lot of effort and money into finding this Airbnb, and we had agreed that he wouldn’t smoke inside the house and that if he did, he would have to stay outside for 30 minutes before coming back in. He broke that agreement. My dad said he could manage for a short time but mentioned that he would be in the U.S. for another two months and couldn’t keep it up. He then started complaining about how boring it was to stay in the U.S. He could go fishing, dig for bamboo shoots, and play the piano back home, but here he could only stay at home, which was very boring and left him with nothing to do, so he ended up smoking more. He chatted with my mom, expressing uncertainty about how to spend the next two months in the U.S. Additionally, smoking in the U.S. was inconvenient for him, and he would rather return home sooner.

I felt very sad hearing this because it was only the second day back at work. Cuihao and I had just started to catch our breath after they moved to the Airbnb and felt that life was improving. I didn’t expect them to feel bored so quickly and to feel this way. In fact, it was January 4th, and there were still 41 days until their originally scheduled return date of February 15th, which was hardly two months, but everyone felt like there was still a long time left.

Because my dad’s complaints about smoking led to discussions about how boring life was in the U.S., he expressed a desire to return home early, and we began to consider this option. There were several benefits to returning home early. First, for us, spending time with our parents and younger brother was very time-consuming; aside from maintaining our jobs, we invested all our free time into it, which was exhausting. Second, for my parents, staying in the U.S. for over a month was actually enough for them to experience life here and spend quality time with us. They were indeed quite bored while we were working. Third, there were the expenses; renting an Airbnb for a month cost them $4500. The only downside to returning home early was that we wouldn’t be able to celebrate the New Year together. Considering all of this, we ultimately decided to change their flight to the end of January, reducing their remaining time in the U.S. from 41 days to 21 days, cutting it in half.

As a result, the many activities I had originally planned for my parents to experience suddenly felt rushed, and I had to fill every weekend with plans. Some activities had to be abandoned (like taking them camping or to see the Milky Way). In short, the time together was suddenly shortened, and everyone started counting down the days left. It felt like time was running out, and we began to cherish every day together. My parents no longer worried about how long they had left in the U.S. or how to pass the boring time.

Actually, we had mentioned in the previous two blog posts that we had arranged many activities for our parents, trying hard to keep them from feeling bored. But it was unavoidable because they had no social life here, their English wasn’t very good, and they didn’t have a car, so there were limited things they could do, and their activities largely depended on us. Therefore, they still inevitably felt bored. However, I still felt that their ability to find things to do on their own was lower than I expected; perhaps they just lacked motivation. When my dad was bored at home, he played a card game on his phone, and my younger brother also played on his phone.

A lesson learned for the future: if we arrange for our parents to come to the U.S. again, we should never plan a trip longer than one month. I think 2-3 weeks might be more appropriate. Two weeks is actually enough to do a lot of things together if we’re not working.

Travel Expense Summary

Finally, here is the expense summary for my parents and younger brother’s 36 days in the U.S., excluding costs for groceries, meals, parking, and gas. It can be seen that the largest expense was the round-trip airfare, which cost nearly $5000, followed by rent and accommodation costs. Entertainment includes all expenses from the Christmas and New Year road trip (gas, meals, accommodation, totaling $800 for 5 days and 4 nights, which was super economical), as well as entrance fees for attractions. Gifts were items bought before returning home for relatives and friends in China (mainly some health products, calcium tablets, vitamin gummies from Costco), and communication costs were for the mobile service during their stay in the U.S.

Cooking and Lifestyle

In previous blog posts, I mentioned our daily life arrangements during my parents’ visit to the United States. It started with the Christmas and New Year holidays, where I spent all my time with them, first exploring around Irvine, then going on a 5-day, 4-night road trip, and finally taking them to San Diego, Los Angeles, and the surrounding areas of Irvine on weekends. From Monday to Friday, we worked from home during the day and had dinner at my parents’ house, playing games together afterward before returning to our own home to sleep. Later, when I started working again, it wasn’t always both Cuihao and I who accompanied my parents on weekends; sometimes I went alone because Cuihao also wanted some time for research, after all, they are my parents. During this time, we truly felt the benefits of renting a place close to my parents, as we often had to make two round trips between their house and ours in a day, and a 10-minute one-way trip was still acceptable.

When it comes to the differences in lifestyle with my parents, the most noticeable aspect during this trip was cooking. My parents have a strong obsession with eating at home; every meal must include vegetables, meat, and soup, and my dad prefers to take a nap after lunch. Therefore, when we arranged activities for them, it was often challenging to plan a full day. Their favorite schedule looks like this: leave around 9 AM, spend about 2 hours playing at a nearby park or beach, return home by 11 AM to have time to prepare lunch. Lunch is at 12 PM, after which my dad takes a nap, and my mom cleans up the dishes and, if there’s time, also rests a bit. Around 2-3 PM, we all go out together again, perhaps to hike nearby for another 2 hours, and return home around 5 PM to spend an hour making dinner, then eat together. My dad’s favorite activity is going grocery shopping; it seems to be the family’s favorite pastime. They spend a lot of time each day on grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning up.

Thus, during the road trip, my dad found it very hard to adapt to the makeshift meals. Although we brought instant rice, a cooler, and a camping stove to cook edamame, stir-fried celery with shrimp, and scrambled eggs with onions, which were already makeshift Chinese meals, they still weren’t quite used to it. I was quite surprised by this because my dad grew up in a poor family; both of his parents were farmers and they were very poor, often unable to afford meat or enough food. So I thought my dad would be more resilient, but unexpectedly, he was the one who complained the most about the hardships.

A few weekends, we took them to San Diego or Los Angeles. Since it takes over an hour to drive one way, we usually spent the whole day (leaving in the morning and returning at night). My parents often urged us to return home early to cook dinner, as they were not accustomed to eating on the road (especially foreign food, like raw vegetables or tacos). Their stamina isn’t great either; after a day out, since it’s not easy for them to go out, I wanted to take them to more places and planned a fuller itinerary, but my dad often said that after visiting two places, he had enough, couldn’t walk anymore, or didn’t want to walk anymore, and wanted to go home early. I was also quite surprised by this (since my parents are not that old, one is 50 and the other is 54). Lastly, my parents and younger brother have relatively short attention spans and can easily get bored. For example, when we took them to the USS Midway Museum, they basically lost interest after about an hour and wanted to leave. This was the case in many other places as well; they didn’t have the same curiosity as Cuihao and me to learn more. Of course, this might be related to their limited English skills, which made it hard for them to understand the written descriptions.

My parents often taught us to cook several dishes and spend more time on meals, believing that we eat too poorly. However, we don’t have high demands for food and often “make do” with meals. Regarding the dimensions of meals: tasty, healthy, convenient/quick, and cheap, I currently focus most on health and speed. I want to save time for other things I consider more meaningful, like writing blogs, as long as the food is healthy. But for my parents (or my dad), eating seems to be the most important thing in life, satisfying their cravings outweighs the spectacular scenery of a road trip or the exploration of the unknown world. My mom, who has never had much autonomy at home, spends a lot of time on housework (mainly cooking, laundry, cleaning, and taking care of children). She doesn’t seem to dislike cooking because her meals are indeed quite delicious, but she may not genuinely enjoy it from the heart. She might just have accepted this role, believing that it is her duty to spend a lot of time cooking and that we should also take cooking seriously, as eating well is very important. Therefore, for my parents, one of the main goals of coming to America was to cook for us, to let us eat the dishes from our hometown, and ideally, to help me gain a few pounds (which they also consider very important; they always think I am too thin. The focus is not on how much you exercise or your physical condition; if you look thin, that means you are unhealthy, and it’s better to be a bit heavier). So during my parents’ stay in the U.S., we had a month where we didn’t need to cook except for breakfast, which indeed improved our meals and saved a lot of cooking time.

Travel Highlights

My parents’ trip to the United States indeed left many wonderful memories. You can check out this YouTube video (photo collection) Family US Visit - 2023 Dec - 2024 Jan

Here are the highlights from the trip that I listed:

• Watching the stunning sunset at Crystal Cove State Park, took many amazing group photos
• Christmas light decorations at Balboa Island, experienced the festive atmosphere
• The fun of climbing rocks at Joshua Tree National Park
• Hiking and having snowball fights in the snow at Bryce Canyon National Park, seeing the Hoodoos
• The awesome slides and other children’s entertainment facilities at Irvine Park
• The space shuttle and giant aquarium at the California Science Center
• The Sky Fari and polar bears at San Diego Zoo
• Tidepooling at Corona Del Mar Beach, saw two big octopuses and two large Sea Hares
• Took a lot of coaxing to get my parents to hike 6km at Irvine Turtle Rock, never took them on a trail again after that
• Took my parents to San Diego, met up with my kayaking friends and enjoyed dumplings made by my mom!! Saw the aircraft carrier, and my kayaking friends waved to us from the water next to the carrier! Then went to UCSD and La Jolla Cove.
• After much persuasion, finally convinced my parents to kayak at Newport Bay, 6km in two hours
• The whole family took a boat to see whales; although we didn’t see any whales, we saw many dolphins
• The whole family played Pictionary together, filled with laughter
• The whole family played Switch games, like Mario Kart and Mario Party
• The whole family went to the community center to play foosball, very intense and exciting, also played ping pong
• My brother played ball and games with a foreign girl from the neighborhood
• Took my brother and dad to the UCI gym to rock climb; my brother really enjoyed it and did quite well
• Went to Getty and Getty Villa to do some crafts
• My brother learned to ride a bike in the U.S., and he graduated by riding 11km
• Went sea fishing with my dad, didn’t bring home any fish, and I threw up for five hours…

Parents’ Views on This Trip

When my parents were in the U.S., they didn’t really talk about it in detail, but later many friends asked me about it, so I asked my parents during a video call. Many people asked if my parents experienced culture shock and what surprised them the most. My dad said what impressed him the most was the excellent public facilities in the cities here (Southern California, or Irvine), such as the children’s playgrounds in parks, clean public restrooms, picnic tables and chairs, and drinking water, all of which are freely accessible to the public. He also mentioned that the people here are very friendly, well-educated, and civilized. He said when he rode his bike on the road, cars would yield to him, and when interacting with others, everyone was friendly. The public hygiene at tourist attractions was also well-maintained, with very few people littering, and everyone kept order. He felt that compared to home, it was quite different. I don’t remember what my mom said, but it was probably similar. Of course, the road trip to national parks and the scenery along the way also left a deep impression on them. Besides the spectacular views, there was also the vast land with sparse population.

Overall, I think my parents believe this trip left them with a very positive impression. I learned that my dad is still at home editing videos and photos from the trip. He spent money on video editing software to generate automatic subtitles and voiceovers, and then he spends time writing scripts and organizing photos, etc. After returning, my brother became very shy and hardly spoke to me during video calls. I don’t know why; maybe my image in his mind is too perfect (as described by my parents), so he feels shy seeing me?

As for my brother’s views on this trip, he didn’t express them clearly, perhaps he is still too young to formally answer this question. However, at the end of the trip, he said he didn’t want to go back home; he thought America was a lot of fun and wanted to stay here. I think this trip had a significant impact on him, not only because he could brag to other kids about visiting America, but it also planted many seeds in his heart (such as road trips, rock climbing, kayaking, outdoor sports, the Switch game console, zoos/museums, the beach, etc.).

A few of the biggest changes in my brother during this trip:

1. He started eating by himself. Before, he always needed my mom to feed him. Even at over six years old, he would still want my mom to put food in his mouth and often bargain about it, making it seem like the whole family was begging him to eat. After a few days, we couldn’t stand it anymore and started teaching him to eat by himself. After that, he consistently ate on his own, and I heard that he continued this good habit after returning home.
2. Previously, when going out, he wanted to be carried, not because he couldn’t walk but because he didn’t want to. After repeated education, at least during our time in the U.S., he didn’t make my parents carry him anymore. What happened after returning home is unknown.

Changes After Traveling

I believe that this trip to the United States with my parents was very successful and fulfilled one of my wishes. At first, I was quite anxious because I didn’t know what I would be facing, how things would turn out, and I had no experience. But I think we ended up doing very well, arranging a lot of rich activities and giving my parents many experiences. Everyone was understanding, considerate, and restrained, and there were no major conflicts. Most of the unpleasantness revolved around my dad smoking. I spent a lot of time and effort preparing for this trip, and I also spent a lot of time accompanying my parents and younger brother. I believe it was all worth it, and all the effort paid off. I think that the more than a month my parents spent in the U.S. was the most enjoyable month I’ve had with them. I took them to experience many wonderful things in my life according to my own plans.

This trip also eased my relationship with my dad. I used to think that I would never forgive him for certain past behaviors, but now I believe that it no longer matters. I feel that my parents and I are no longer living in two completely different worlds, unable to understand each other. We can enjoy the joy of games together and appreciate beautiful scenery together. I think this trip healed part of my childhood trauma. Although during the trip, my dad repeatedly mentioned his hope for us to return home for a wedding and that I should play less and save more money before having children (about which I am still uncertain), we did not argue about these sensitive topics. One of the biggest gains was that my dad began to understand our decision to stay in the U.S. and stopped urging us to return home. He had always wanted us to go back after graduation, but now that they have lived in the U.S. for over a month and experienced our life here, he understands some of our decisions. Even when we went out to have fun, he would say that it’s nice to go out when we have time instead of discouraging us from going out. Clearly, this trip narrowed the gap in perspectives and lifestyles between my parents and me, increasing mutual understanding.

A few days before the trip ended, I bought an iPad and spent a day organizing photos to create the video we watched together as a family on the TV. After the trip, I spent a few more days making a photo book, which I printed and sent to my parents’ home before the Spring Festival. They immediately showed it to guests at home. In the following two months, I wrote these six blog posts, partly to share the arrangements and experiences of my parents’ trip to the U.S. with other international students like me, hoping to help them, and partly to summarize my life during this period. Although they only stayed in the U.S. for a little over a month, that month had a significant impact on me, with a total of 2-3 months spent on preparation and communication. During that time, I prioritized accompanying my parents above all else (giving up on improving other aspects of my life). Now, I feel that I have helped myself; the psychological burden from my family background has been greatly reduced. The three major pressures in my life have now been reduced to two (U.S. identity and work pressure). In recent months, video calls with my family no longer bring me negative energy but rather feel like relaxed chats.

Moving forward, I will lighten the psychological burden from my family background, allowing me to focus more on realizing my personal value, seeking the meaning of life, and pursuing my own happiness.