Wedding Memoir
This content was automatically generated by gpt-4o-mini (No human review). The original post is in Chinese.
What happened?
On April 10, 2019, I went to get my marriage certificate, instantly stepping into the ranks of married women.
Why the sudden marriage?
For legal and economic convenience and protection. In my words: with no house, no car, and no pregnancy, we decided to get the certificate on this ordinary day.
Besides getting the certificate, what else did you do?
Before getting the certificate, we took wedding certificate photos, bought rings, and had a marriage check-up. All of this was completed yesterday morning and afternoon. In the past month, I also read about marriage law, most of the articles on marriage and love from Teacher Tang’s [Sitting and Talking about Romance] WeChat account, and discussed the topic of marriage with some friends. We also met both sets of parents and received their support for us getting the marriage certificate.
What will you do next?
We did not have a proposal, engagement, wedding photos, wedding ceremony, or banquet. We are both university students with low incomes, so we have no prenuptial property notarization, no house, no car, no gifts, and no dowry, but we also have no debts. You could say we wrapped everything up yesterday. Perhaps next, I will write a blog reflecting on my thoughts about marriage, organize our photos, maybe create a webpage, perhaps put a “double happiness” character on our apartment door, maybe treat good friends to dinner, or maybe share some sweets with everyone.
Let’s talk about yesterday’s events.
Marriage Registration Photos
Having good-looking marriage registration photos is a common pursuit for us, just like the photos on ID cards, passports, and diplomas that cannot be ignored. I searched online for many others’ marriage registration photos, as well as photography tips and precautions. Basically, everyone’s photo background is red, and the clothing options include: shirts, suits, T-shirts, Zhongshan suits, etc. On the recommendation of our landlady, we chose to take photos at the One Mirror Reflects studio in the South Tower of Hefei Baili Center. The group purchase price on Dianping was 159 yuan (reportedly better than Haima Ti and nearly 100 yuan cheaper), and the service included makeup styling for both of us, shooting, and retouching. The studio had about ten sets of clothing to choose from, and I added the store’s WeChat to book the shooting time a day in advance.
Last week, I dragged Cuihao to get a haircut. I asked the store in advance, and since we couldn’t wear glasses for the photos, I went to get my eyesight checked and bought contact lenses. The night before the shoot, we picked out clothes at home. I chose one gray shirt, one blue shirt, and one T-shirt. We set up a selfie stick at home to take some photos and edited the background to red to check the effect, finally deciding to wear the blue shirt, which we ironed at home. This shirt is part of our everyday wear; mine is a patterned shirt from Uniqlo (as Pan would say, an artist’s shirt), and Cuihao’s shirt was bought a long time ago from Baleno. Feeling that just wearing a shirt was a bit plain, we dug out all the badges and pins at home, ultimately deciding that Cuihao would wear the new badge from the University of Science and Technology of China (USTC) LUG, while I would wear the USTC school badge pin. We met in USTC LUG; he was the president of LUG in 2015, and I was one of the vice presidents at that time. On the morning of the shoot, I groomed our eyebrows and washed our hair. Since I wasn’t confident in my makeup skills, I decided to leave everything to the studio and went with a bare face.
When we arrived at the studio, it was only 10:23 AM. After looking at the clothing provided by the studio, we decided to wear our own clothes for the shoot. The makeup artist first did Cuihao’s makeup while I changed clothes. She mainly did his eyebrows and base makeup, which was quite quick. After that, it took nearly half an hour for her to do my makeup, covering eyebrows, base, eye makeup, and contouring without missing anything. I used the lipstick I brought, and she even curled my hair.
The shooting process was relatively quick; the handsome photographer directed us to stand properly. Due to our significant height difference, Cuihao sat on a high stool while I stood for the photos. Before shooting, we put on our pins and badges, with the man on the left and the woman on the right. Since Cuihao couldn’t see clearly without his glasses and my face shape was a bit asymmetrical, the photo session didn’t go very smoothly. Afterward, we felt that our facial flaws were magnified, even leading to the illusion that the 20 yuan ID photos from the school photo studio looked better than these~~ (and we were reluctant to post on social media)~~.
Next was the retouching phase, which took place on the second floor. We sat there playing on our phones while waiting, and it took quite a long time, about 40 minutes. When the retouching guy showed us the results, we were amazed by his incredible skills that transformed our asymmetrical faces and features into symmetry, and all the wrinkles on our faces were smoothed out. They looked good, although a bit unrealistic, but it seems that everyone tends to choose the latter between reality and beauty.
OK, now we can post on social media.
Wedding Rings
Actually, I started considering buying rings a month ago. Since we are not planning to hold a wedding ceremony or banquet, wearing wedding rings has become our only ritual (and also the most expensive expense). Our requirements for the wedding rings are: comfortable to wear, convenient, durable, corrosion-resistant, understated and simple, silver in color, and suitable for daily wear, with the purpose of letting others know that we are married. At first, every time we went to the mall, we would casually check out the jewelry section, looking at brands like I Do, Liufu Jewelry, Chow Tai Fook, Chow Sang Sang, Lao Feng Xiang, and Swarovski. After getting a sense of the market, we found that regular wedding rings are quite expensive, mainly made of platinum and gold. Perhaps silver is too cheap to be profitable, as most stores do not sell silver rings. The cheapest platinum rings that met our requirements were over 3,000 yuan, so we hesitated and couldn’t make a decision. Eventually, we went to a nearby Aji Dou accessory store and bought two rings that fit well in size and appearance; mine is made of alloy with zircon, while Cuihao’s is 925 silver. Since March 17, we have been wearing these 59 yuan rings on our left ring fingers, to symbolize our plastic love to test whether we can adapt to wearing wedding rings for a long time in the future, to see what drawbacks cheap rings might have, and to consider whether it is worth spending thousands of yuan on two rings (instead of a phone, computer, or even a water flosser).
However, by yesterday, in less than a month, my alloy ring had already worn down and faded significantly!!! The main reason is that I wear it all the time, whether I’m lifting weights at the gym, washing dishes, cleaning, etc., and my hands tend to sweat easily. Our thought process is that buying a durable ring is very important; if we have to take off the ring every day for sleeping, washing dishes, showering, or exercising, we might forget to put it back on afterward and not know where we left it. Therefore, since we are wearing it, we should try to take it off as little as possible. Considering this reason, we decided to choose a platinum Pt950 ring.
Secondly, the size of the ring is also an issue. I remember on the night of March 17, we found a ring we liked at Liufu Jewelry; I wore a size 12, and Cuihao wore a size 13 (he really has beautiful hands). After that, for the cheap rings we wore, mine was size 11, and Cuihao’s was size 14 (I just found that out yesterday). I felt mine was very tight and difficult to take off, especially during the warmer days when my ring finger felt swollen, so I ended up wearing it on my pinky, while Cuihao’s size 14 was a bit loose.
Yesterday, we went back to Liufu Jewelry and decided to buy the platinum rings we had previously liked. However, the size 12 rings were sold out, so we both ended up buying one size larger (sizes 13 and 14). This means that both Cuihao and I can wear size 13, which feels quite loose for me—so loose that sometimes I can shake my hand and it might fall off. The reason we chose Liufu Jewelry is that I searched online for which is better among Chow Tai Fook, Chow Sang Sang, Chow Tai Fook, and Liufu Jewelry, and I also looked up why so many jewelers have the surname Zhou~~ (it turns out they are not three brothers named Zhou running separate stores)~~. From what I learned, Chow Tai Fook is the earliest brand, established in 1929, followed by Chow Sang Sang, and Liufu Jewelry is the latest. After browsing their websites, I still preferred Liufu Jewelry’s site, and it has several branches in San Francisco and New York, allowing for global after-sales service, such as free ring cleaning.
This is the ring we ultimately chose, with a brushed finish in the middle (durable), and smooth beveled edges on both sides, comfortable to wear, and it was also the cheapest option. When I got home tonight, Cuihao’s ring was already covered in scratches… damn, I feel like I wasted so much money!
Marriage Registration at the Civil Affairs Bureau
After taking photos, it was already past noon. We hurried to Swan Lake Wanda for lunch. After buying the rings and painfully paying for them, we got the receipt, and it was just after one o’clock. We then took a taxi to the Baohua District Government Service Center, arriving around two.
To register for marriage at the Civil Affairs Bureau, both parties must personally go to the household registration location of one party and bring both of their household registration books and ID cards. I had moved my household registration to the University of Science and Technology, so we decided to get our certificate in Hefei. I just needed to go to the student service center at the university to obtain a household registration certificate for marriage registration, and then get it stamped on the first floor of the government service hall. Cuihao’s household registration book was something we specifically went back to his home to retrieve during the Qingming holiday.
Pre-marital Checkup
The Civil Affairs Bureau is conveniently located on the second floor of the government service hall. As soon as we went up and said we wanted to register for marriage, the staff directed us to undergo a free pre-marital health check. Besides filling out the necessary information, we had to do a blood test, urine test, gynecological/urological examination, and optional X-rays. The doctor who drew my blood might not have been very skilled, as the wound kept bleeding after the draw. The health check took over half an hour, and in the end, they even gave us small gifts, but the results wouldn’t be available until the next afternoon.
> Government Service Hall
Registration and Certificate Ceremony
Next, we went to the marriage registration window, filled out the necessary information, signed, and left fingerprints, and submitted three marriage registration photos. The staff kept complimenting how nice our photos were. Once everything was done, a lady took us to the certificate issuance room. She had us stand side by side and asked if we were marrying voluntarily, if we would respect each other’s parents after marriage, and if we were willing to grow old together, almost like a pastor… We, of course, answered affirmatively and then recited a marriage vow together. Only then did the staff hand us our marriage certificate and remind the man to take good care of his wife.
This is the vow
After receiving the marriage certificate, the staff left, telling us we could place our phones on the central tripod to take photos ourselves. So we exchanged wedding rings first and then took a few pictures before leaving.
These are the photos taken in the certificate issuance room
It felt a bit strange to quietly get married just the two of us, so we decided to post on our Moments to announce our registration news to those around us. We received many blessings and even more likes. We then went to eat dinner at Sanhao Noodle, and later that evening, Cuihao went back to the lab to clock in for research, while I went to the East District playground to clock in for a run.
Thoughts on Marriage and Weddings
Why get married so early? What specific legal and economic conveniences and protections are there?
I started considering marriage around the winter break, mainly because after receiving my offer (self-inflation) I felt that if I couldn’t get a five-year visa, I might only stay in the U.S. for five years. Cuihao and I plan to go to the U.S. together for our studies and life; I will graduate this year, and he will graduate with his master’s next year. After that, we hope to pursue PhDs in the same city and live together. It is quite common for Chinese graduate student couples in the U.S. to get married, mainly due to visa issues. If one party graduates early or cannot find a job, they might not be able to stay in the U.S. However, once married, as long as one spouse can stay in the U.S., the other can remain on a spousal visa, avoiding the issue of being separated by distance and countries.
On the other hand, when Cuihao goes to UCSD, we plan to live in an apartment together, and we will need to provide proof of our partnership to the school. Married couples can apply to live in on-campus housing for five years (normally, students can only live in on-campus housing for two years before needing to rent elsewhere). According to California law, it seems that married couples pay slightly less tax than single individuals.
Additionally, I want a legally recognized partnership. We have been living away from home for a long time, and if I get sick and need surgery, I want Cuihao to be able to sign as my family member.
Cuihao and I have known each other for nearly five years, and we have been in a romantic relationship for about three years. We have rented and lived together in Hefei for over a year, so we are essentially in a cohabiting partnership (which is considered a de facto marriage or civil union in some countries). Getting married won’t change much in our lives; it mainly alters the legal and social aspects.
In summary, I think marriage is something that will happen in the next few years. I also learned about the procedures for obtaining a marriage certificate in the U.S. for both parties who are Chinese citizens. It seems that after getting married, we would need to have multiple institutions notarize the certificate for it to be valid in China, which I find a bit cumbersome. Therefore, I want to get the marriage certificate before going abroad this year since I have plenty of time now.
Do you have any concerns about getting married?
Yes.
I previously talked to a friend about why she and her boyfriend haven’t married after living together for so many years. She mentioned that some people worry about discrimination against married women without children in the job market and prefer not to marry too early. She feels that their current situation of cohabitation is quite good, with no inconveniences, no pressing need to marry, and no desire for change.
For the next five or six years, I will be focused on my studies, so I don’t need to worry about discrimination against married women in the workplace. I worry about whether I am mature and stable enough, whether I might regret getting married after some time. I also worry about whether my relationship with Cuihao is stable enough; what if we break up instead of just separating, and I end up as a divorced woman, facing societal discrimination against divorced women.
I seriously think about what changes will occur before and after marriage. First, we will still be living together in Hefei or the U.S., away from both sets of parents, so we don’t have to worry about conflicts between in-laws or differing lifestyles and values. Second, for the next four or five years, we will prioritize our studies and won’t have children, so we don’t need to worry about parenting issues. Third, we have already lived together for a year, so there is no significant gap between being loving partners and dealing with the mundane aspects of married life. After considering everything, I realize the ultimate question is—am I sure that Cuihao is the person worth marrying? The answer is yes, so we decided to get the certificate.
How do you know he is the person you want to be with? How do you know you will spend your life with him?
I don’t believe there is only one person in the world who is perfect for you. Both Cuihao and I believe that there are many people around the world with whom we could build a life. If we were to break up, we would find other suitable partners to live with. There is no “best,” “most suitable,” or “one true love.” However, everyone’s time is limited, and besides our partner, we have our studies and careers, along with many other things worth investing time in. Therefore, there is no need to worry about whether our partner is the most suitable person.
I can’t be certain that I will spend my whole life with him, but thinking about a life together doesn’t disappoint me. At this moment, we are both satisfied with our feelings for each other, and our cohabitation has not had any major issues; our relationship is relatively stable, so I don’t have significant concerns.
Why are you against having a wedding? Do your parents have any objections?
Because I have attended many weddings since I was young and have seen my parents organize weddings for relatives and friends. I am quite averse to traditional Chinese weddings; on one hand, the various customs and banquets waste a lot of money (many people don’t have much money but still spend extravagantly on weddings, while we believe that money is better spent on other things). On the other hand, it is very troublesome; parents and relatives have to work hard for a long time, and the wedding scene makes me uncomfortable. The host’s speeches are awkward, and I dislike the loud smoking and drinking by relatives and friends. If I had to hold a wedding banquet, I wouldn’t get married now; I’m not ready, and I don’t have the time to organize it.
If in the future I have a lot of money, and I also have the time and inclination to plan a wedding, perhaps I would organize one like the weddings in “The Big Bang Theory” or “Friends,” without having to hold a banquet at home, just booking a hotel to make it easier for my family.
Of course, my parents have opinions; Cuihao’s parents are quite relaxed, while my dad naturally hopes I will have a wedding banquet. But this is ultimately our own matter; if we don’t show up, they can’t organize it, so our opinions take precedence. Our thoughts are to keep everything simple.
Is it a loss to marry without a house or a car?
I believe that my partner is a potential asset, and I trust that we can work hard to live a good life. There is no need to treat marriage as a bargaining chip, marrying someone wealthy or with a Beijing or Shanghai household registration.
So, the marriage issue is settled. I am very happy that I can take charge of my own marriage.
Finally, I recommend a few articles whose viewpoints I agree with.
